Friday 17th 15,000 calories, 40 cigs, 1 wank (not bad).
Oh dear oh dear oh dear. I hate the tabloid gutter press. They pick on me so much and just perpetrate lies. The Star claims it has cctv footage from last night’s debacle of me having backdoor sex with the fat one out of pop idol. Phoned my lawyer and instructed him to sue, but he convinced me that’s not a good idea. He knows best, i guess. Shat the bed last night.

Thursday 16th 40,000 calories (approx.), 60 cigs (approx.), 2 wanks (bad girl, madge)
Not pretty. Got chucked out of the Elbow rooms for writing ‚dido is a slag’ in one of the cubicles. But she is. I’m going to sue the fuck out of her for stealing my act. Bitch. She took a swing at me after i said she had no shoulders and her man was a jake. Ok though, coz i twatted her one in her ear. Doesn’t need it anyway, deaf cow. Threw up over the dog. Found Guy’s camera by the umbrella stand – how’s he going to do any filming, silly billy! Bit pissed, methinks.

Wednesday 15th 15,288 calories, 15 cigs, 4 wanks (good).
Up late with ghastly hangover. Guy’s off to the maldives with Lady Vic Hervey and Jordan to do some filming – he works so hard! Took Martika’s posture advice and spent all day with a mini maglite up my arse. Opened a KwikSave in Hendon – they gave me a fruit basket with nothing but fruit in it (!?). watched the repeat of faking it – that navy girl did wonders with her eyes. Bitch. Got a phonecall from Lourdes’ schoolmaster – apparently she was caught in the nip with Phil Cool’s son. It was going to happen sooner or later. Kylie popped round in the pm – her botox dependancy is getting out of hand. Looked as though someone injected a gallon of puke into her cheeks, the lumpy duffer. Still, had to be nice to her after i broke her flymo. All in all, a v.busy day and i will sleep well. x.

Tuesday 14th 28,563 calories, 12 cigs, 1 wank (must do better).
Shit, balls and cunt! Agent phoned this morning – the Reg Vardy advert is cancelled. Said he might be able to set something up with KwikFit: it’s between me and Jo Brand apparently. She may have the body but i’ve got the experience. Bitch. Guy did anoffy run this morning – Haddows are doing a ‚buy two diamond blush get one free’ at the moment, and if they’re stupid enough to make an offer like that, we’re smart enough to capitalise on it. Night.

Monday 13th 14,000 calories, 18 cigs, 1 wank (ok).
Hurrah! Day off today... last night’s premiere of ‚Van Wilder, Party Liason’ was simply horrific. As usual, that pigfaced biffer fuck Winslet was sticking her pluke-ridden coupon into all the cameras with her idiot assmuncher boyf. Honestly, she couldn’t have lowered the tone any more if she’d sucked him off by the pick n mix.And what does he know about film? Guy told me he constantly wet the bed at film school. I’m not surprised... Almost got into a fight with Lesley from S Club Juniors what with her coming in the same outfit as me. I told her i could buy the whole Tammygirl chain and she knows it. Bitch. Night night x.

Thursday 11th 300'000 calories (approx) 20 cigs, 2 wanks (done worse)
Terribly embarrassing trip home from yoga this morning – accidentally coiled a short one in the leotard during advanced lotus. Master Gayulka wants me to move back down to beginners – what the fuck would he know about the art anyway? I swear, they’ll hand out diplomas to any old cunt in India. ‘JaneyCam’ phoned back – they want me in on the 23rd. that should be a tidy payday.

Friday 12th 60,000 calories, 88 cigs, 0 wanks (nintendonitis)
If I'm gonna be showing my bits off without me fleshtone corset on (i keep telling them they're not going to like what comes out, but they fucking insist), i'd better lose a stone or two. starting tomorrow. Popped round to Michael Aspel's for a joint and a natter in the avo. Says he's thinking of spicing up the old roadshow with a couple of dollybirds and a pole or two. I know 911 are back on the club circuit after Nicky's O.D. and they seem like good lads, so i mentioned it to him to check them out - 2 hours of bump-and-grind for 60 quid is a fucking steal.

Monday 15th. –200 calories, 40 cigs, 8 wanks (sore bliff).
v. sleepy after getting practically no kip last night, what with the dodgy balti from star of India. It was Guy’s idea going there in the first place, the fanny. Don’t have a fucking clue what I saw in marrying that dumb fuck of a husband. I know what you are thinking, diary, and you’re wrong – my realization has nothing at all to do with his critical and popular humiliation – but everything to do with… oh, how can I lie to you! Of course it’s down to him not being trendy anymore. Sandie Toxtvig (she’s a lesbian, you know) told me this would happen, but I just told her to ease off the turd perfume (how the wise smell). Was supposed to meet up with Shania and Mutt down Sleepezee this afternoon and help them pick out a couple of nice posturepedics, but took a raincheck and spent the day watching battledome on bravo and playing slit-billiards. Early to bed tonite methinks, for I have a big day tomorrow – the hottest producer from Sweden is coming round to ‘jam’. Nitenite.